True Living with Authentic Intention

Language

Clear and intelligible language is a critical element of any understanding.  Every word carries with it an underlying meaning - sometimes explicit and other times implicit.  Often times this implicit meaning carries a strong emotional context or impact.  With these subtle yet strong emotional contexts we can often impose a tone or outlook on a situation that goes far beyond the actual words.  In order to comprehend and push through the imposed emotional context it is often necessary to examine particular words.  Once understood it is often the case that the words are no longer used because the implied emotional context no longer serves us.

In the service of seeking understanding - True Living examines and understands the following words and underlying meanings in order to better connect with our authenticity.

Should

The word "should" is one of the worst tortures we can inflict upon ourselves. "Should" is a judgment laden word. It carries with it the "expectations" (another implicitly emotionally laden word) of society, or other people, or worst of all ourselves! It defines right and wrong. It conveys lack of choice. It predefines behavior. It "assumes" (yet another laden word) our intention, need, attitude, belief, and desired outcome.

Should is a culturalization that has been drilled into us to imply that anything else is, well – wrong. When we use the word "should" what we are telling ourselves and others is that we have failed in some way. By judging ourselves by external standards of failure we are degrading ourselves and our choices and failing to respect our own desires.

This failure is implied – but not real. In fact, we often use "should" – laden with its judgment in place of a longer set of words for what we really mean. Should is often used in place of the following statements:

Other people will think it would be really good if...
Societal values deem it wise and self-serving if...
Others will be disappointed if I don't...
To achieve the appropriate outcome I need to...
Others think it's important if...
Society thinks it is right if...

Notice the judgment in each of those statements. While they may seem a bit over-zealous in the attempt to demonstrate the judgment it is exactly what we are often thinking or how the word is used by others.

Additionally notice the implied lack of choice. You are catering to others opinions, values, decisions, ethics, and beliefs. If instead we can refocus our thought process to accept and acknowledge our choices and options we can make choices that we believe in and are based on our own needs.

See the difference in these statements:

I believe it will be good for me if...
My values deem it wise and self-serving if...
I will be disappointed if...
To achieve my desired outcome I need to...
I think it’s important if...
I think it’s right if...

Notice the ownership and basis on our personal values and ethics. We make these choices now for ourselves rather than for others. Instead of failing to support the external judgment we give ourselves clarity on the choices we actually want to make. If we don’t make these choices – or chose differently – we can understand our consequences in terms of our own reasons. Then we can support our choices for ourselves or understand what has or needs to change to be in line with our own integrity.

Assumption

"Assumption" is another word that removes options. The act of assumption indicates that we somehow know more than we actually do. It presumes another’s choices or actions before they are actually made – precognizant almost. By assuming how another is going to act and acting on that assumption we take away another person's choice. In this case we are inflicting our judgment on someone else.

Not only are we inflicting judgment on someone else – we are also believing that we somehow know how another will choose. It is as if we have suddenly become a perfect fortune teller – but not really.

Additionally, we are then limiting or removing our options for response because we think we already know how another will act. When we make these we place ourselves in the position of trying to respond to an action that hasn’t even happened yet.

Here's a common example:

If I smile at her she’ll think I’m flirting with her. If I flirt with her she’ll want to go out with me. If we go out she’ll like me. If she likes me she’ll want to marry me. If she wants to marry me she’ll want to have kids. If we have kids I’ll have to earn lots of money to support us. If I have to earn lots of money I’ll have to do a job I don’t like. If I have to work at a job I don’t like I’ll be unhappy. If I’m unhappy she’ll want to divorce me. If she divorced me I’d be very, very sad.

I don’t want to be sad – so I won’t smile at her.

Before any possibility for interaction has even occurred – we have removed the choices by making assumptions.

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