When I first moved into my house several years ago I decided to put a vegetable garden along the side of the yard. The only problem was there a gigantic rose bush right where in the prime location. The leaves were spotted and mottled but it has prolific and aromatic flowers on it. Since I couldn't tolerate the idea of just killing this beautiful plant I decided to transplant it to another area of the yard. I wasn't sure how it would do but I made the choice to give it a shot anyway.

So I started digging and digging and digging. I dug down about 3 or 4 feet and there was still a big long root that clearly went much deeper. But I could only get down so far through the hard clay and finally had to just cut the root - it was still about an inch thick at that point. I transplanted it to the new location and trimmed the rose bush up fairly significantly to give it a stronger chance of survival. I took care to make sure the bush was well transplanted, had plenty of compost in the hole for nutrients and was well watered.

And then I waited.

For a few days the rose bush seemed to be doing fine and I was grateful for the successful transplant. Then over the course of about a week all the leaves completely fell off!! I was devestated but knew I'd still made the right choice to put the vegetable garden in and move the plant. Then to my absolute surpise a couple weeks later - all the leaves started to grow back. In fact, they grew back healthier and stronger then before! Now years later this rose bush is still thriving and growing and remains a beautiful, healthy part of my yard.

Emotional needs are a lot like the leaves of this rose bush. Needs are an essential part of being human. There is nothing wrong with having needs for love, affect, sex, companionship, frienship, trust, etc. It is NORMAL and HEALTHY to have these needs and we ALL have them. These needs don't go away over time, the don't get smaller or less significant in our lives. They are in important part to being a healthy and thriving human being. When we don't have these needs or these needs aren't being met we get sick and we can even die without some of our needs being met.

It took me a number of years to really understand that concept - needs are normal, healthy, and appropriate. For many years I'd felt like needs were the enemy - something to be afraid and ashamed of and put aside as much as possible. When I finally had that realization it began to make all the difference in my life. I began to change all sorts of patterns and habits and ways of relating to people. I finally let go of the shame of asking for what I wanted and being honest and direct about it. I started speaking my emotions directly and clearly without fear.

It changed my relationships...but some of my relationships didn't change. There is more to relationships than expressing your needs and wants clearly. There is more to relationships than feeling healthy and asking for what you want. It is also important to remember how your clear expression affects the other person....and remember that they may or may not feel the same way.

It is also important to remember that being clear, honest, direct and unashamed.....is not how many people are used to relating. For many, at least in my experience, this can become an overwhelming sensation. It can lead people to do and say things they don't actually want or feel. That doesn't make it my fault for being clear and direct, but it's something that's important to remember. It's also important to remember that being clear and confident with your needs doesn't necessarily mean you are being healthy about them.

Shame is just one way we treat our needs poorly. We can also hold onto them to tight, expect one person to meet them completely, speak them to early or inappropriately, or forget that we are responsible for getting our own needs met. When we treat needs with a healthy approach we not only speak them clearly but we hold them lightly and we take care to nourish them on our own in spite of what anyone else wants to do with them. We treat them respectfully and protectively and remove ourselves from harmful situations when warranted.

When we do all these things with health our needs become strong and nourish us - much like the leaves of the rose bush. Sometimes to get there we have to cut them all off and just turn inside for a while - much like the rose bush. The needs will come back strong and healthy when we are ready.

I've recently been through a period where I was doing this again - holding on to tight, speaking to early, and expecting one person to meet all my needs. This was a disservice to us both and there is much hurt on both sides. It wasn't intentional and it's not how I've behaved in every relationship in the past - but I did it in this one. I was even aware of it to some extent and made a conscious choice to continue with it because of the strength of my feelings and the reflection I thought I was receiving. A choice that ultimately contributed to a painful and messy ending.

I am remembering now that in order to honor my needs I must do it at all times. There is no setting them aside and "waiting" for someone else to figure out where they are being healthy or not. If anyone's needs are not brought with health it becomes important to step back and reassess the situation, try a different approach, or walk away. I didn't do this, but you likely won't find me making this mistake any more.

However, as I have been dropping away my needs for a while, turning inward, reassessing myself and my choices, my decisions about how to be and how to live I was reminded of this one simple truth. Unhealthy behavior on the part of one person does not excuse unhealthy behavior on the part of the other person. I had been taking on that responsibility for a while....and now I'm not.

Because when we take responsibility for our actions and we stand in our power of truth and honesty we can realize that each of us is responsible for our own actions....and we each have to take time to make ammends, be honest, and express what mistakes we made. The blanket "Oops, I screwed up" answer is insufficient and itself an unhealthy expression of needs. By claiming our mistakes, by expressing what we would like to have done differently, by being honest and specific about how we acted - we honor ourselves and those we connect with. By doing these things we bring our needs into a place of health and care. By doing this openly and clearly we respect the other person. Sometimes we have to do it more than once if one person isn't ready to receive those words yet. It's all part of the process or learning and growing and making amends and holding our integrity.

This is often much easier to say than it is to do, however. That's why it's even more important to actually do it when necessary!!

I will do this for myself. I wonder if it will be honored in return though.

Then I will let it go and move on.

Communication is 7% the words we use, 38% vocal queues (tone, volume, pitch, rhythm, etc.), and 55% body language (facial expression, movements, stance, etc.)

7% - that's all the words we use count for. That means 93% isn't about what we say, but how we say it. That puts a pretty heavy burden on the thoughts and emotions that go on behind the words. It also puts an equally heavy burden on choosing our words very carefully.

In our society we use the phrase "You have my word" to give someone a promise. The meaning behind that phrase is that "what I say is what I do." A pretty heavy weight for only 7% of communication. It has to be carried off by the other 93% backing it up! But we place such importance on the words we use because they are the only part that we can readily transcribe. We turn words into contracts, laws and many other agreements. We use words in cards, letters, emails and books to communicate information, to tell a story and to transfer knowledge.

Words are the foundation of our modern society. In our country we have a document of words that defines how we live, how treat each other and how we govern ourselves. The words have withstood over 200 years of interpretation - now that's pressure!! So while words make up only 7% of communication they carry far more weight than the tone or body language with which they might have been debated minutes, days, years, or centuries earlier. This is why words are so important!

Then we have actions. The common phrase here is "actions speak louder than words." Well if 93% of communication is about something other than words I guess that makes sense.

So where do words and action come together?? Integrity.

Integrity is about matching our actions and our words....and when they aren't matched, fixing it. It can be easy to get out of integrity sometimes. "Well what I really meant to say was....", "Oopps....I mispoke", "I thought I said...", "I'm sorry I didn't do what I said. I guess I was sad/confused/hurt/scared/etc." There are dozens of reasons why we can get our words and actions, our integrity, mismatched.

It's a human condition to be out of our integrity at times. The best we can hope for is to fix it as best as possible. Sometimes people get hurt when we are out of integrity. Sometimes people get hurt a lot when we are out of integrity and we do things that are inconsiderate or unkind. In this case we have to ask ourselves what our real intention for action might be and how it might have been different.

When we are out of integrity we will often find that something we did becomes something we regret. It doesn't mean it's undoable, but it does mean we have to live with the consequences sometimes and make ammends where possible. And when we attempt to make ammends and the person who was hurt isn't ready to receive it....sometimes we have to repeat it when they are ready.

Integrity is about matching our actions to our words, doing what we say and saying what we mean.

Integrity is about matching the 7% to the 93%....and fixing it as many times as necessary when we mess up.

It's worth remembering next time you accidentally hurt someone.

Periodically in life, when we are seeking to grow, the universe provides an inescapable opportunity.

Lately I've had the experience of having mine and most of my friend's lives going through a "burning" period. By burning I mean that we are all being drawn into the fire of our lives - re-evalutating the fundamental behviors, ideas, and concepts of our lives. We are each looking at new ways of living, loving and being and burning away the old patterns that no longer serve us. Many of us are faced with difficult life, work, and relationship changes as well - or all of the above. While this sort of "burning" is common in my community I have never before experienced a time when so many of us were going through such intense transition all at once.

It is, to say the least, an extremely uncomfortable period of time for many of us. The subject of the Phoenix Fire, a mythological bird that dies in its own burning nest only to be reborn from the ashes, is a frequent subject of conversation. While much of what is happening is extremely challenging and painful we can all see that the rawness created is bringing positive change into our lives. Not that it necessarily makes things much easier!

I've been surrounding myself more and more with friends and new people in my life who are living an "All In" lifestyle. By All In what I really mean is the each of us has made the choice to face our growth space head on, no excuses, no turning back, no denying what is reflected to us. In many ways this leads to an incredibly intense cycle of fire, burning each of us brighter. We spend time reflecting each other, showing each other into the light, being deeply vulnerable, sharing our challenges, and learning from the path the others are walking. We all walk similar but separate paths so must each have constant recognition that ours is only relevant for ourselves.

What I am continually reminded of is that Burning Up & All In....are not for the meek at heart. It is not for those who are afraid to examine the critical areas of their lives or truly check in and ask "Is this how I REALLY want to be?" And it most certainly is not for those who will admit defeat or give in at the slightest hint of trouble or challenge.

It is for those who are ready to live the life they love, those who are ready to actively create it, and those who want nothing short of the most amazing lives possible!

What if...you could do this too? How would it change your life?

For most of my life I have lived in community of some form or another. Growing up it was with 5 families that spent all their holidays together, vacations together, kids were in school together, spent time at each other's houses together on a constant and ongoing basis. In college it was friends living together in the dorm - eating meals together, taking classes together, spending long nights talking, etc.

These days, and for the past 6-7 years I've lived in a community based more on emotional/personal connection and our mutual love and appreciation for dance. It is a community full of more love, compassion and spiritual growth than I have ever witnessed before. It is a community full of people seeking their highest truth, fully expressing who they are, breaking down the molds, the sterotypes, the inhibitions and seeking to embrace life to the fullest extent possible. In short, it is a community seeking to transcend the limited world and live limitless!

In so doing we create an intimate dynamic between us, each building off the other. We spend time together on the dance floor multiple times a week. We dance our emotions, our love, our joy, our hurt, our sadness, our physical expressions of self - together and intertwined. We frequently spend time in each other's homes at parties, dinners, conversations, helping each other move, bringing each other chicken soup when we are sick, supporting each other with physical manifestation when needed. We support each other through emotional difficulties, we share our joys with each other, we call each other when we have a problem. We pass the children around as if we were all their parents. We date each other upon occassion and in the past, we know where the old relationships existed, where there is tension, where there is joy. We go out together, we travel together, we attend events and festivals together and we create workshops and events and festivals together.

In short, our lives are intimately connected, intertwined, and mutually embraced. What affects one of us affects all of us. When one hurts the rest hurt, when one is in joy the rest are in joy.

But the truth is we are all still human. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we help each other, sometimes we hurt each other...and occassionally someone is so hurt that they leave the community. We don't necessarily hurt each other on purpose, but it still happens. All we can do its notice when it happens and do our best to clean up the mess afterwards.

Intimate living requires a commitment to mutual respect, honesty, integrity, love, openness, willingness to admit mistake, willingness to see with open eyes, willingness to hear another's pain - and willingness to talk about everything not just one on one but publicly as a community. Intimate living can be difficult and challenging and scary and painful - but it can also reap huge rewards. For in intimate living there is always someone to call for help, always someone to call for fun, always someone to play with and always someone to cry with. All that is needed is a phone call or two and maybe a general email. Intimate living is a reward in itself - it brings us more fully alive, closer to our own highest truth. We reflect each other, push each other to new heights, and challenge each other to speak our truth.

Intimate living is, quite honestly, one of the hardest things I have ever done. There have been times when I was ready to leave, times when I have left, and times when I have come back fully restored and rejuvenated.

All I ask of those who live intimately with me is to be commited to the process of growing together - because that's the only way it works. Though it is rarely easy - it is almost always worth it!

This afternoon I was at lunch with my father when I heard Johnny Cash's original "Burning Rings of Fire". I only hear it very rarely as many of the rerecordings have a much livelier energy to them - but it's such a fundamental piece of music, such a story and epitome of love. Full of raw passion and willingness to be revealed - and the Johnny Cash original brings all the fire and power and passion with it. You can feel it resonate in every note and every word.

Love is a burnin' thing,
And it makes a fiery ring
Bound by wild desire --
I fell into a ring of fire.

The song speaks from the heart of hearts. It calls out the beauty and pain we live with each day - and ties them together. I've been experiencing the firey ring lately - and it hurts but at the same time it brings me fully alive

Living inside the fire is a choice I made long ago. As a friend remarked once "I'd rather experience the full pain of living than be only half-alive." The truth of that statement still resonates with me. I'd rather love with all my heart and all my soul and experience all the pain that goes with it...then never love at all.

The taste of love is sweet
When hearts like ours meet.
I fell for you like a child --
Oh, but the fire ran wild.

Living in fullness, living in friendship, living in love - it can only be done in the crucible. The fire heats and stirs and melts and burns - but the crucible holds everything together. It provides the container for safety. It helps the churning and burning get even hotter and brighter - burning everything away. For only in the crucible, for only in the deepest of fires and hottest of forges can we really contain and embrace the love that takes us that last step up to meet the universe.

I fell into a burnin' ring of fire --
I went down, down, down,
And the flames went higher,
And it burns, burn, burns,
The ring of fir, the ring of fire.

We each walk this earth doing our best to get along and manage our lives in the safest way possible. Sometimes we get burned and other times we rise from the ashes. But it is only being "all-in" that we can really thrive. Tonight I had that opportunity to dive into the fire with a few friends, to take a journey into the crucible and into the fire. I could easily have gone more, taken center stage and asked for all the help and support and love I wanted. I would have received it too. I did receive it in some ways. But instead, I simply allowed it to wash all over me and soak into my pores.

I witnessed the option to receive and I chose to give instead. I gave from the fullness of my heart into the treasure of creation. I allowed myself to infuse those who had just as much need for it as I did. Through giving it away I received a gift even greater than support.

I discovered how easy it is to love myself.

In so doing I reached a new level of joy and friendship and bliss. For I had given without need of return. I had given for the pure pleasure of giving and I received for the pure pleasure of receiving. Though I sat on the sidelines a little bit, I played the game that is the most real part of our human existance - our emotions.

I stepped into the fire. Next time I will ask to step into the middle and let the fire burn me raw. Did I mention that we are right in the midst of a deep and powerful mercury retrograde?? Sometimes that makes all the difference.

That man was brilliant.....and I have amazing friends. Everyone deserves *amazing* friends.

The ring of fire (and Fade)

Most often I view my life as a never ending rocket ride - constantly charging ahead at full power regardless of what might be falling off or away. See, the thing about rockets is that once they are ingnited they don't turn off, they just burn out. Of course, mine never burns out - it just hits the next stage and accelerates again.

It seems lately my life has hit a second stage booster rocket and I am undergoing an intense spiritual and emotional evolution.

The simple explanation is that I have moved to a place of light and started to love my shadow side. The longer explanation is that I am allowing myself to experience a new level of joy, love, trust, friendship, release and openness. In other words - I am dropping my ego.

Basically I'm beginning to see how words often get in the way of feeling real love and emotion. I was told not too long ago that words are a convenient excuse to negate or hide feeling. What that means to me is that when I had an emotional reaction I was sometimes seeking to explain, quantify, articulate, evaluate and empathize - instead of just feeling. It's an interesting perspective for a communication expert to be in. For years I've studies how to use empathy tools to understand and acknowledge, how to get clear on what the emotion was and put it into a clearly articulated form, how to evaluate another person's comprehension level and emotional counter-response, how to build a coherent response model that was safe and sustainable for everyone, etc. Basically I have studied all the ways to put emotions of the heart into a form the head will understand. But, apparently, I've been neglecting the part about just feeling them in your heart and relating them energetically!

Now I'm looking at all the emotional responses I've had over the last few years and seeing where I was placing "hooks" into getting a particular response back rather than just expressing the authentic emotion without attachment. I indeed was often using words to drown the emotion. I am beginning to see how words just seem to get in the way sometimes of that authentic expression of self. This doesn't mean that words are worthless, just that they need to be chosen and used carefully and sparingly while remembering to experience the emotion.

The biggest shift in my psyche right now is about releasing love as a need and, literally, giving it away. I am feeling a state of ecstatic bliss today as I continually pull up more love and joy than can possibly fit inside my body - thus I have to just give it away to people, places or the universe. Honestly, I feel like my endorphin levels are through the roof bringing me a strong sense of love and energy.

Practically, what this means is that I am approaching people with a default sense of trust and love that is overflowing with joy. I am holding people in their highest vision for themselves and allowing them to be and flow exactly as they are. In my connections I am finding a new sense of joy at a level I never realized existed.

By dropping the ego I am finding myself able to connect in a much deeper and more authentic way that allows for the natural rhythm and flow of the energy around me. I am noticing myself more drawn to understand other people's emotions and experience and hold all of it in a place of love. By doing so I am more able to see the perfection of each individual and allow for the authenticity of their self-expression.

And the simple, less wordy, less heady way to say all this? I am simply loving as a default way of connecting. The ego has let go as there is nothing to prove anymore.

Not all that long ago someone very special in my life left me with this simple thought. I did not understand it until this moment.

Her thought was this:

Accepting the Divine into your life is not about praying for something to change, asking for guideance, requesting relief, or seeking knowledge. Accepting the Divine and truly having faith is about sitting in the darkness, allowing the loneliness to overtake you and simply asking the Divine to be with you while you move through. For only in accepting the Divine's presence without need, without request, without attachment.....can the Divine truly be within you. The Divine is not so much a power as it is a way, a possibility, a belief. The Divine is simply a faith that you are....enough.

My friend is wise beyond her years. In the brief time we have known each other we have shared many moments of growth, joy, love and pain. I am realizing now that I may not have listened as closely to her lessons and words as I was asking her to listen to mine.

In this moment of understanding, of allowing, of accepting....I am allowing myself faith in knowing that to not know is the greatest gift the Divine gives us. In knowing there are only answers. In knowing there are only facts. In knowing there is information. In knowing there is idea. In knowing there is a plan. In knowing there are no surprises and nothing to learn.

But in not knowing we allow for mystery, for intrigue, for opportunity and for learning. Only when we allow the Divine not to do for us, but to be with us can we truly grow. Most importantly, in allowing the mystery and accepting on faith we discover that the Divine is us.

And the way I know I have accepted the Divine's presence in my life? Tears are streaming down my face....and yet I feel better knowing that it is ok to know that I don't have to feel ok.

Allowing the Divine makes the darkness a little less frightening.

The other day I found myself at a party, not quite sure why I was there. I socialized a little bit with people I'd never met before and continued to wonder exactly why I was there. As the party picked up I noticed a sound emanating from the basement and I went to investigate.

As I walked into the small, low ceilinged room a strong energy washed over me. There were at least a dozen drums being pounded with fervor. The sound in that small room was overwhelmingly powerful and intense. The passion and enthusiasm of the drummers was incredible. As I moved in I felt the rhythm sink into my pores and into my bones.

In that moment - I felt something shift. I felt my rhythm return, I felt my power begin to flow back in. I felt my breath fill my lungs.

I hadn't realized until that moment that those parts had left me. I hadn't realized until that moment I had been subjugating myself. It happens like that, slowly, subtly, without leaving a note. And in that moment I felt shame. Shame for repeating a pattern I thought I had left behind. Shame for allowing myself to give in and let go, to walk into that place of weakness once more.

But I also immediately knew that in that moment it was returning to me - the fastest I'd ever experienced. I sat in that small room with big sound and I let the rhythm fill me up again. I let it flow into my veins and arteries, fill my heart and brighten my soul - I was becoming me again.

Over the course of the week I found myself in a place of grieving for what I needed to let go. While sad, I felt at peace and knew I was in the right place. Near the end of the week I allowed myself to momentarily fall prey to that weakness again and for a moment I felt lost.

However, whenever something is not going right for me I remember that dance fuels my soul, builds my fire and restores my strength. So today I called it in and once again I feel strong, seeing clearly, and releasing that which I no longer need.

Rhythm, whether it be the beat of a drum, the flow of the dance, or the flow of inner peace are all part of restoring our power. By allowing and engaging fully who I am, how I am, what I am...by becoming my full true self I bolster the rhythm around me. I bolster my power and I step fully in.

I am again reminded that it is a simple thing to do...all we must do is choose to do so.

And today, I choose to be fully in my power. Care to join me?

You know, sometimes there are things in life that feel more monumental to accept and surrender to than other things. This feels like one of them for me.

I've been contemplating the concept of love for many years now - giving love, receiving love, needing love, wanting love, being loving, being in-love, sharing love, becoming love, surrendering to love, abiding love, surviving love.....so many experiences of love.

But it's all a fallacy. Love is a fallacy. It's not something you acquire, nor take, nor give. It is not something you walk towards or away from. It's not something you enjoy or suffer from. Love is not something you experience.

Love is none of this. Love is....nothing.

Yet....love is everything.

That is the fallacy. The fallacy is trying to reconcile the difference.

Love is beyond...everything. Love is no...thing.

So if love is nothing then what is love??

Love is....breathe. Love is....a heartbeat. Love is...the wind. Love is...the sunshine, the trees, the birds, the dirt, the animals, the darkness, the light. Love is the space in the center, in the middle, on the side, the top, the bottom...the inside out.

Love is not an object, or a thought, or a whisper, or a word. Love is not something to be taken, or given, or received, or longed for. Not something to be sought after or waited for.

Love is the tiniest of molecules and the largest of mountains. Love is the air you breath and light you see. It is the flower in the garden and the worm in the compost. Love is a rectangle, a square, a circle, a sphere. It is a triangle - obtuse and equilateral. Love is geometry and calculus and every theory in between. Love is a mouse and a whale, the tortoise and the hare.

Love moves with thought and sound and light and....smell.

Love is that piece that is nothing and everything and all things in between - and not. Love is not an experience or a need or a way of thinking, or being. Love is not something you do or share or....have for someone.

Love is rhythm. Love is the dance. Love is the song, the word, the fleeting....moment. Love is how you act and the way you move.

Love is not later or before. Love is not yesterday or tomorrow. Love is not last year or next year or the one who comes before or comes after. Love is not a time or a place or a thing or an insect. Love is....NOT.

Love is now...and every now both before and after. Love is the softness of....loving. Love is the energy that surrounds you, flows through you and with you and underneath you and inside of you. Love is the you that you yearn to be, the you that you are now, the you that you once were. Love is....well....it simply is.

Love is you. That is the fallacy.

For without you...what would love be worth?

I am done seeking, for in seeking I find only fallacy. In loving I find only heartache. In loving I find only the...nots. But in me....I find everything. In you...I find love.

Love is me. Love is you. Love is us. Love is everyone and everything and everywhere and every...not.

For only in it's fallacy does love become...............love.

Do no try to reconcile the difference. Do not try to understand the dichotomy. Do not surrender, do not engage battle, do not form a truce and do not practice love. For only in allowing the fallacy, the falseness, the dichotomy, the misunderstanding, the undoing.... do you see the truth.

Love is........well.........love *is*.

I was an angry child - really angry.

As a toddler my mom used to put me in cold baths to cool me down if I was throwing a particularly nasty tantrum. As I got older the anger became a little more directed. My mom bought me a punching bag that I could hit so I wouldn't take my anger out on other people. Other kids didn't like to be around me.

As a teenager I slowly began to learn to "master" my anger. For a time I was just stuffing it inside but as I got older I was actually learning to see the depth and layers of anger - how it started, where it got triggered, what it's purpose was, how people used it. I learned to spot the start and trigger and diffuse it before it became anger. Some people still didn't like to be around me then either. My anger was always just under the surface.

As a young adult I got better at it...but it was still just under the surface. I had such control of it though that people marvelled at how difficult it was to see me actually get upset. I was told it felt "void" and "vacant".

The same was said about my response to love. I couldn't let it in. I couldn't express it. I was emotionally locked up, shut down and cold.

Then one day it just got to be too much. I'd stuffed, defused, and short circuited my emotions so successfully that I was letting people walk all over me - never reacting, never getting angry, never loving...nothing. It was unbearable.

So I ran away. I went on a 3 week journey and I let it all out - all at once. It changed my life. it still took me another 3 years to be able to begin to express a healthy, appropriate anger. Allowing love in was an equal challenge.

But why am I meandering on this subject today?

Well...I broke my foot in December, just before Christmas. Today I had an orthopedist appointment and the doc told me that the fracture hasn't healed at all - after *4* months!! Nothing. It looks exactly the same. They want to do surgery - which might take ANOTHER 3 months to heal.

I'm angry. Furious! LIVID!!! Yet I can't seem to tap into that today.

I just want to dance again without encumbrance. I want to go for a hike. I want to be able to walk up and down stairs easily. I want to have 2 shoes on my feet. I want to be able to walk in a straight line without feeling like I'm hobbling. I want my foot to not hurt when I walk!

But the irony is that this injury has changed my life - for the better. It forced me to move through some old patterns of behavior that were holding me back. It led rather directly to a FABULOUS new relationship. It's helped me to lock in my passion and direction. It's been a revolution in my life.

But I'm still angry!! My body is ready to heal, or at least I think it is, but it's just not. So I think I need to find somewhere to scream - maybe the top of the world?? Because I just can't hold onto this any longer. Or maybe I just need to let it seep into the ground. Maybe. Now I'm afraid of what this process will be - how much longer will it take? How much will it cost me emotionally, physically, financially? Yet I'm loving myself these days in a way that's really exciting, really uplifting. how confusing is that?

Anger - Love - Fear. Three of the most difficult emotions for anyone to deal with. I've got them all intertwined and interrelated.

Sometimes sorting out the mess of emotions feels like more trouble than it's worth. But it's still part of living and being alive.

Anyone have an emotional-detection-enhancer-detangler device hiding in the closet? Maybe you'd be willing to invent one?

I'll make it through this I know...but I don't have to like it in the NOW. I think I need to summon up my happy place!

What are your struggles with love and fear and anger? How do you deal with it?

It's simple - just drop that which doesn't serve you and gets in your way and embrace the openness and flow of the universe. Then abundance will walk through your door.

Easy, right?? That's what I tell all my clients. Then under my breath I mutter "and it's the hardest thing I've ever done."

Ok, maybe I don't mutter it under my breath and maybe I don't tell all my clients it's the easiest thing I've ever done - but it seems like it's *supposed* to be easy. So why isn't it???

Lately I've been struggling with receiving abundance. I know how to do it, I've done it before but I just can't seem to wrap my fingers around it at the moment. Just before I started coaching I had about a half dozen conversations with people that all had the basic gist of "You know the universe will catch you, right? So why don't you just jump?" But for the longest time I just couldn't do it and couldn't do it and couldn't do it. Then one day when I couldn't stand it any longer suddenly everything lined up perfectly and I just jumped!

My life feels kind of like that moment just before "I can't stand it any longer" right now. That's the funny thing about abundance - it's easy when you are doing it but damn is it ever hard getting there sometimes!

I keep getting reminded that you can't ask for abundance in *one* area - you have to just let go and receive however the universe wants to bring it to you. Working hard is good but working hard for abundance doesn't make it happen any faster. Whining about it doesn't help either - quite the opposite in fact.

So for now I'm just going to work hard, let go and allow the universe to flow as it wishes with me.

Because, really, would doing it any other way actually help? No, it would probably just make me miserable!

Ok - this may sound a little harsh at first so bare with me!

If you've ever been around toddlers for an extended period of time you'll know that the phrase "The terrible two's" is based in a really valid reality. This is the age where kids begin to SERIOUSLY test boundaries, define their reality and exert the beginnigs of control in their life. They have words and rudimentary communication skills but lack the deeper understandings of compassion, courteousy, and, well....kindness. These are the skills that they need to be taught at this point. Things like please and thank you and a frequent remind that, contrary to their personal opinion, everything is not "Mine!"

Now for most of my life I've not being particularly keen on having children in my life. I decided at the ripe old age of 20 that "I will never have children nor have children in my life." Of course as I've grown I was able to refine that to "I really love kids and am excited to have them in my life but still don't want my own or a partner with kids."

About 1 1/2 years ago my first nephew was born and since then I've had several friends have new children or friends with older kids come into my life, including a friend's 9-year old "step"-son who frequented my house for a while last year. Honestly, I think it was a conspiracy of the universe that was descending upon me. Over the course of the last 2 years my stance on children has slowly softened until sometime last year I heard myself utter to a friend "You know, I think I might have to get over this whole kid thing to find the partner I really want in my life."

Sure enough, not long after I uttered those words a wonderful, amazing and incredible woman entered my life - along with her 2 year old son. The process of integration into a new relationship, especially a serious one, can always be challenging. Finding out the twists and turns that makes the relationship work and understanding the different perspectives each person brings can be challenging enough. Add into the mix a 2 year old that is asserting his dominance in the world (or at least with mom) and the resulting upset that distracting from mommy's attention can cause, not to mention someone like myself who CLEARLY has not spent enough time with small kids - and suddenly life becomes a lot more challenging.

I'm learning all sorts of new....ummmmm....tricks....to communication including the utter necessity of "choice instead of no", deep listening to the needs of someone not able to express them or even understand them clearly, balancing freedom and support with defined structure, and crystal clear communication of boundaries and appropriate/inappropriate behavior (including mine.) I am quickly realizing that my vast communication skills really only about to adults...maybe 18 or 21+. When it comes to little kids...especially the terrible two's I'm often at a complete loss.

Not long ago I sheepishly mentioned that I felt bad for saying so but I was beginning to feel like I was engaged in psycological warfare. She quickly defended me and assured me that it was in fact a very apt description of what was happening. "It's a battle of the wits, power and discovery" she told me, "Exactly like psycological warfare!"

I am quickly realizing that my skills are vastly out-matched by this firey and wonderful 2 year old. I am gaining rapid and vast new appreciation for my friend Elizabeth at LizaJoy - Friend of the Family who specializes in Entertaining, Educating and Empowering young kids and their parents. I can honestly say that her tips and tricks from my time in watching her work with kids is saving me from a very embarassing and deeply damaging defeat in this psycological warfare battle!

I guess it just goes to show you that no matter how much you think you know about a subject....there's always more to learn!

Now if you don't mind....I need to go rest and practice using my psycological warheads.

This morning I was listening to NPR and they have a show called "World Have Your Say". Basically it's a world wide call-in show where they discuss world issues with a "hands on, voice of the people" perspective. Their guests are people dealing with real issues all around the world and they take international callers, text messages, email and blog comments into the show.

Today's discussion was about legal immigration and the economic impact. They started off the show with a discussion that had recently happened in the British House of Lords on the subject an they played an audio clip of the conversation.

So there was this British politician talking about the serious subject of immigration and as I was listening to him I realized I was having trouble taking him seriously. I couldn't figure out why for a minute until I realized....it was the accent. I laughed at that realization and then took a moment to carefully listen to what he was saying. I could hear the serious issue he was talking about and it began to make sense to me when I focused....but I was still having trouble taking him seriously.

So I thought about why that might be....and I realized that most of the times I've heard British accents was either on late night BBC news and comedy shows and movies. But what a weird thing to think of only in a comic sense. So I started to wonder what the deeper issue was there and I realized that there are subtle ways of filtering going on in my brain that I wasn't even conscious of.

Then I started pondering all the other ways I might be filtering out this "serious" tone - from my friends? From my girlfriend? From other politicians? Was there some subtle way that I needed to receive information to give it a "serious" tag? Did these subtle filters extend to other areas or create other judgements in my life?

The more I thought about it the more I realized it was true. I have all these little filters that classify input with a "judgment"! Wow.

I've got some serious noticing to do. I started to wonder how others might be filtering as well. Was I the only one to do this or were we all doing it.

I think we all do...I'm just not sure how much. What are your judgements?

My cat actually smiled tonight. I saw her. I haven't seen her smile in a looooong time!

Generally she's a little, ok a lot, neurotic and skiddish. About 10 years ago she lived with 2 other cats for a year and she was terrified of them. She spent all her time in my room and peed on my bed a lot back then. It was horrible. Then she lived with 2 dogs for another 4 years - that was hell. One of the dogs she didn't mind because the dog was a gentle soul - but the other constantly wanted to chase her and not in the "come play with me" sort of way. It was more hell. Now 5 years later she still hasn't fully recovered.

In the last 6 months I had a new roommate that gave her more attention than she'd ever had from the other person in the house. She's relaxed quite a bit. Now I have a new roommate....and he's been petting her and letting her in his room....and she's in love! She literally smiled while I was holding her and talking to my new roommate.

My cat is such a sensitive energetic soul - she reminds me of how sensitive I and others can be without really realizing it. It's easy to tell when she's happy and when she's unhappy. There are unmistakeable signs and behaviors. What I'm reminded about is how sensitive I can become and how completely unaware of the behaviors I can be.

I mean seriously, how many people can actually see a cat smile??! If I can see that then I can acknowledge that my sensisitivity to difficult situations is extreme, to say the least.

So what's my lesson from the cat?

Eat good food, go outside once in a while even when it's scary, understand my boundaries and limitations, leave when it's too overwhelming.....accept attention and snuggles whenever offerred.....and purr when I'm getting it, even when it's subtle!

Purr is never a bad thing.

Not long ago someone asked me "How did you ever get the guts to live with a name like Angel True?"

Realistically I might have paused to ponder that question to come up with some eloquent and well thought out response, but sometimes the answers are just to simple. "Because it was the only way I could hold myself accountable as the person I strive to be", I answered abruptly.

Unsurprisingly, this was greeted with shock as the implications of my answer sunk in with my friend. I laughed at the incredulous look on her face as she simply said "Wow."

In my life I have made many choices - be honest at all times, do my best to approach others with compassion and love, think with my heart and act with my head, always strive to be greater than I am now...to name just a few. But one of the biggest choices I've made is the one that drives them all - walk my talk.

Sometimes I do a fabulous job and other times I suck beans at it - but every times I make a mis-step I do my best to come back and fix it as soon as I realize it. Making that choice is what drives and motivates me. That chioce is where I got the guts to live with a name like Angel True.

This blog will seek to share the inner workings of my life, the choices I make and the reflections, effects and impact that True Living has on me, my life, and those around me.

Enjoy yourself and feel free to comment as you read!